 | | robert ullman |
Savage Love
by Dan Savage
In this very special episode of Savage Love, I answer letters from readers who made
the largest donations to the campaigns to preserve marriage equality in California
(www.noonprop8.com), to protect same-sex couples in Florida (www.sayno2.com) and to
defeat Stephen Harper in Canada.
I’m a 31-year-old heterosexual woman, and my boyfriend and I are starting to
experiment with “pegging” (great term, BTW). He’s very much into submission and
humiliation, and I find I’m pretty damn good at the fem-dom thing. I understand that
preferences run the gamut and every couple needs to figure out their own boundaries, but
I was wondering if you could give me your perspective on a couple of things I find
troubling.
1. My boyfriend can be bossy sometimes, but I find his assertiveness particularly
irritating when he tells me how to dominate him. Shouldn’t this be my job to figure out
what I want to do to him and just do it? I’d never actually hurt him, but I think he’s
too bossy for a sub—or is that what people mean by “the bottom is actually in charge?”
2. One of our “games” is when I get him almost to orgasm … and then don’t allow him to
come. He really likes being denied orgasms, and maybe it’s my inner man-pleaser, but
sometimes I just like when he comes because it makes me feel some sense of
accomplishment and competence as a lover.
I’ve noticed lately, however, that when I do let him come, he kind of acts like a jerk
afterward. Is this typical post-orgasm, men-don’t-need-to-cuddle behavior, or is he
upset because I didn’t “deny” him? I’ve asked him, but he’s not very chatty when he’s in
his post-orgasm jerk mode.
Inexperienced Pegger Eagerly Gratifies
1. It’s not your job to “figure out” how to dominate him. It’s your job—both of your
jobs—to talk about your turn-ons at great length and then come up with a mutually
pleasurable list of BDSM activities and fantasies that you want to explore together.
Then when you’re fucking around, IPEG, stick pretty close to the items and fantasies on
that agreed-upon list—not a list of what he wants, but a list of what you both
want—while gently pushing his boundaries. And while you’re fucking around, he should
refrain from all bossy behaviors and just freaking submit.
Unless, of course, he opts to use his “safe word.” But to prevent him from “topping
from below,” IPEG, tell him that using his safe word ends the scene and the sex. If he
uses his safe word, you get up, clean up, go to bed, give each other a kiss and talk
things over later. That way he won’t use the safe word to edit, i.e., it won’t be a tool
he can use to boss you around while you’re topping him.
2. If he’s not chatty in post-orgasm mode, chat with him later—you know, when enough
time has passed to put him back in pre-orgasm mode. (An hour? Two? Twelve?) And tell him
what you’ve told me: You’ll deny him orgasms regularly, but you intend to make him come
regularly. Because it’s what you want.
And a fem-dom relationship is supposed to be about—or appear to be about—what you, the
fem, wants and not what he, the dommed, wants.
I don’t have a question in particular, but your column inspired me to donate to this
worthy cause (No on Prop. 8). I do, however, have an addendum to your advice to Blowing
Smoke, which I thought was … eh.
Blowing Smoke likes smoking pot and she likes giving head—but her mouth is too dry
after smoking up to give a good blowjob. Now this is a little gross, but generally when
people vomit they emit an excess amount of saliva.
So one way to remedy a lack of lubrication when giving a blowjob is to deep-throat his
cock until you provoke a slight—emphasis on slight, you don’t
want to actually puke on him—gag-reflex reaction, which will trigger the production of
saliva.
Supports the Gay Agenda
Thanks for sharing your money and tossing up those insights, STGA. Now Blowing Smoke
can get to work on fine-tuning the ol’ gag reflex.
I donated a pretty large sum for a guy who drives an 11-year-old Taurus. I wish I had
a good question for you. So, uh—have you ever received a question that made you
dry-heave a little in revulsion? What was the question?
Too Much Light Blinds
Questions that have me heaving are a dime a dozen, TMLB. At least one arrives every
day. (After a couple of close calls—dry heaves that almost went wet—I’m now careful not
to read my mail immediately after a meal.) It’s the questions that elicit a rare “Oh my
God!” that are remarkable. The most recent example: A poop lover who felt that I was
unsympathetic to his kind—and I am—took it upon himself to desensitize me to poop “play”
by sending me several dozen digital images of himself and his wife before, during and
after a “session.” Unsurprisingly, his efforts backfired.
Thank you for getting people involved in the No on Prop. 8 campaign!
I’m a 30-year-old gay guy who moved from one city to another. Shortly after I moved my
boyfriend dumped me and I began a fairly long and severe depression. I had scarcely any
friends in my new city, but never in my life did I need friends more.
The problem was that many of the guys I met were interested in a romantic
relationship. I, however, was entirely undatable. But because I was lonely, I went ahead
and dated these guys for a while. These were great guys, and I really wanted their
friendship, but I wasn’t emotionally available for more. I feel bad because I ended up
jerking them around and hurting some feelings.
This is my question: How can a young gay man negotiate the whole “friends” thing?
Should I view other single guys as poor prospects and seek out girls/couples/heteros for
friendship? Is the line between friendship and dating always fuzzier for gay men?
Looking for Friends
You’re making this more complicated than it needs to be, LFF.
Look, you were depressed and alone in a new city and had recently been dumped, LFF,
and all of that sucks. But it’s naughty for folks—gay, straight, bi, whatever—to take
advantage of people who find them attractive. And that’s exactly what you were doing to
those guys.
There wasn’t anything “fuzzy” going on here, LFF; you weren’t confused about your
feelings. Those guys made it clear that they were into you, it was clear to you that you
weren’t into them, but you went ahead and dated them anyway—you encouraged them to think
you had some interest in them—because you wanted their companionship.
And you got it—under false pretenses. Understandable, again, given your emotional
state, but not cool.
You don’t have to rule out all other single gay men as potential friends in the
future, LFF, just the ones who are attracted to you sexually and/or romantically. Unless
you’re all things to all people—and you can’t be because no one is—there are single gay
men out there who might want your companionship but not your ass, LFF. Make friends with
them.
Download the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday.
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