Ask a Mexican

by Gustavo Arellano

Dear Gabacho: If you’re going to make a case for Mexican cowardice, at least get the facts right. Only one of the six Niños Héroes (“Heroic Boys”) leaped off Chapultepec Castle in the climactic battle of the Mexican-American War wrapped in the tricolor; the other five (all between the ages of 15 and 19) fought to the death against the gabachos despite orders from their commanders to fall back. Sounds pretty valiant to me, but don’t take my palabra for it: when American reporters asked President Harry Truman why he paid his respects to the chavos at their monument when he visited Mexico City in 1947, Give ‘Em Hell simply replied, “Brave men don’t belong to any one country. I respect bravery wherever I see it.”

Dear Wab: Mijo, were you around during the 1980s? Back then, gabachos used to hang mini-yield signs from their back-seat windows with stupid sayings like “Baby on Board” or “My Child Can Beat Up Your Honor Student.” Maybe you saw the Simpsons episode where Homer wrote a barbershop quartet song addressing the phenomenon, thereby catapulting him to international acclaim and an audience with George Harrison over a brownie? Point is, folks in America have putting crap on their cars since Henry Ford included a copy of The Protocols of the Elders of Zion with each Model T. Mexicans might seem to suffer more from this malady—you forgot to mention bumper stickers of Tweety Bird and Spanish-language DJ El Piolín, Mexican flag decals, and those bizarre Chihuahuas that keep moving their heads—but if you think only wabs do this, then head to your nearest truck stop and see how many good ol’ muchachos have mud flaps with Yosemite Sam on them.

Want a free copy of my latest book, Orange County: A Personal History, the finest book published in los Estados Unidos since last year’s surprise smash, ¡Ask a Mexican!? First person from each paper I appear in (and the first five fregones from ignorant backwaters that don’t carry the Mexican) to send me a picture of themselves standing next to a stop sign with a bag of oranges gets a copy. Make sure to sell those oranges while you’re posing! Send pictures to the addresses below!